Paige redecorated the Christmas tree at least two dozen times today. Her fingers moved fast, grabbing and rearranging. She wants to touch everything and feel the textures and sticky tree sap branches and smell and gaze.
It's fascinating to watch her this year. She's taking it all in and processing and is still slightly baffled, where Fynn is grasping concepts and all excitement. I don't remember how she was last year... still so young and I'm sure still so Paige... but my memory is a little foggy around the edges. This year has flown by, full of new experiences and trials and excruciating self analysis and sobriety. And while it's flown, I can remember it all clearly. Last year I couldn't remember the previous month clearly...
The thing I keep coming back to day after day is thankfulness for how much easier life is now. Yes, it's hard keeping myself in check. Yes, life is difficult without the numbing agent of choice. Yes, I am making amends right and left with myself and others. But all of this craziness and newness and soberness is so much easier than being consumed with thoughts about alcohol at every turn, with every other breath. Taking that away has brought so much joy in my life. I do think about alcohol, I'm guessing more than the average person... still... but it's in a different way. I'm recognizing cravings and acknowledging the hard parts and then letting it go. That was never possible before I stopped drinking.
And this year, things are moving a little slower because I'm finding that I can keep up... and not get swallowed by my mind and addiction and false realities. I can watch Paige redecorate our Christmas tree for the umpteenth time and not get frustrated or angry or even roll my eyes. It's all so connected, each aspect of life... the sobriety and the patience and the help I've been utilizing with anxiety and depression. Grace has been extended to me more than a few times this past year... and I'm so thankful for every single offering. I'm staring at my life and the gifts I've been given like a two year old fascinated by dozens of ornaments on the tree. I'm grabbing and feeling and marveling... making sure it's all real.