This morning I woke up and suddenly remembered why, as I typed the phrase Gentle Nudges in yesterdays post, it seemed familiar.
I used it as a title for a post not long after I got sober.
That phrase stuck with me all through today. It's obviously stayed near to my heart over the past nearly nine months.
And I keep thinking about how things change. And how some things don't change. And how time moves on and we move forward even when we don't realize that is, in fact, what we're doing.
Nine months ago, tonight, I was sitting on the same couch which I'm sprawled out upon at this very moment. Drink in hand, realizing it was going to be my last night of drinking. Realizing that I was going to make a change. I drank myself silly, and payed for it dearly the next morning. I'm not sure if I felt so very sick because of all the booze, or more because of the emotional roller coaster I knew I was embarking on. I'm guessing the later, as I felt sick for more days than I care to remember.
I'm sitting here tonight, sober, because of so many reasons. Because of hard work and determination. Because of the ability to surrender. Because of love and family and friends and incredible support. Because of a choice I make ever single day. I'm sitting here sober because of the Grace of God. And I'm sitting here sober because I am being kind and good to myself.
{I'm being completely honest here, I've now lost my train of thought... doh... }
I guess what I'm trying to get at is while at times it seems like things don't change, so much in fact does. Or has. I'm still ready for when the kids go to bed, every single night. But it's not to escape from me anymore, it's just to escape from them... {I'm kidding... heh... } I'm still having hard days, but they're fewer and farther in between. I'm still an emotional wreck most of the time, but it's not fueled by alcohol which means the mood swings and anxiety are managed more healthily. And I'm still here, sitting on the same couch, the same computer at hand, the same husband in the other room patiently reading to the kids and sitting with them as they fall asleep.
But my heart has changed, it's softened towards myself and so many others. It's been cracked open and the contents more readily available. And my mind isn't so dark {foggy, sure... but less dark... } My shoulders are a little lighter. My smile is less forced.
{I'm losing the train of thought yet again... good grief... }
It's been nearly nine months. And I sit here in exactly the same spot I did nine months ago with a seltzer instead of a mixed drink, and I'm ready for tomorrow.