Today was Fynn's day with me, and Paige's day with Lucas. Lucas took Paige back to the zoo {for those wondering... } and then out to lunch, and she apparently loooved the bears today, even when they came up to the glass. Oh the power of Daddy :) They had a lovely few hours, and then we all met up and wet to the beach this afternoon.
Fynn and I went to a gigantic fortress of a playground that was... magical... for a lack of better words. It was wooden, and huge, and full of places to get lost in {which is why I haven't taken the kids there by myself since before Paige could walk}
And it was mostly empty. On a gorgeous Sunday morning, I couldn't believe we had most of the playground to ourselves. It was perfect. And when other kids were in our vicinity, my little guy tried to engage them and run and play with them.
It was surreal to hear Fynn be the one to say to other kids "Hey little boy! Where are you going? Come over the bridge with me!" Because for so long he was the little kid that the bigger kids tried to talk to, and he'd run the other way. But now? He's kind of the big kid...
But he's still little enough to want me to chase him around and be his playmate. And when he flew by me with one other little boy he stopped, put his hand on my leg and said proudly "This is my mom" with a huge smile.
And at that very moment he reminded me that to him it's simple. Right now. I'm his mom. Not the crazy overtired, over worked underpaid stay at home mom who is frazzled at the end of the day and looses her cool. Not the alcoholic who beats herself up for the past. Not the perfectionist who would rather not try than to face a possible failure. A work in progress.
Or maybe it's that even though I am all those things, I still have the honor of being his mom. And he's my son. And we have each other. Still. Through the messy and the ugly and the good and sweet.
I think I was handed a big ol' plate of grace today. There were so many moments. With Fynn, and then later as the four of us were on the beach with pictures taken in my mind just for me. At a later date I can look back and see Paige with a huge grin on face being twirled over crashing waves by her strong and handsome father. I can remember Fynn chasing a blue and white beach ball as it rushes in and out with the tide. I can feel Lucas's arm around me and taste the sweet, soft, salty kisses that came with an embrace so intimate, in front of hundreds on a crowded beach. Even with the longing and aches for something that makes me crazy and sick {aka... red wine, margarita's, white wine, sangria... } in the background, the majority of the moments are so good that the aches are becoming less of a distraction.
Today was good. Much like yesterday. And the picture above? I can't believe I'm sharing it... but it might be my favorite of me and Fynn. Even though my eyes are puffy from possibly shedding a few tears behind sunglasses, after thinking about my little boy and his sweetness, it's him and me. Smiles and snuggles. Holding on for the ride.
{and the necklace I'm wearing came from a sweet friend, made by another, to celebrate my sobriety. I sobbed when I opened it and read her letter... she told me that she hoped when I wear it I feel held. Hyacynth, I do. I might never take it off. Held by so many... and it's so very good. Thank you!}