I paint pictures here of sweet moments through the painful realities. For myself. There's truth in everything I write here. But recently I've felt unsettled as the anxieties and the depression that I drank away seeps its way back into the forefront of my mind. So I need to focus on the sweet moments with the kids, the beauty instead of the ugly that I know we all have in us. I need the reminder of sweetness as I feel the pull of the ugly.
It takes over, and I can't get out of my head, and I sit. I'm paralyzed. I can't write for fear of what I'll uncover. I can't think in more than fragments because I'm only skimming my thoughts. I'm walking on thin ice with myself.
I'm hiding from myself, behind knitting and bad TV.
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My friend Rebekah shared the song Gotta Have You by the Weepies with me recently. {here it is... }
She said it made her think of me. And I haven't asked why... I'm not sure I want to :) But the song feels melancholy and sad and sweet and so very... me. The chorus goes:
"No amount of coffee No amount of crying
No amount of whiskey No amount of wine
No no no no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you I've gotta have you"
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I'm realizing that I'm missing parts of myself because I'm not digging deep. I've got to have myself. And I don't. I have the pieces of myself, but I'm not sure how to put them together. The last nearly ten months I've focused on the actual act of not drinking. But the further I get from drinking... the less that is the issue and the more everything else is.
And I think maybe, finally, I'm willing to try to put the pieces back together.
Nothing else will do.
I'm constantly singing to myself "I've gotta have you... "
So appointments have been made... action is being taken... and it's good. Pieces will be put together, and the process of recovery will continue.
And just with that, a little bit of peace is granted.
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For at least a month I've walked by my dresser multiple times a day and have seen Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection staring back at me. I cracked it open yesterday, and I sobbed through a naptime because every single word that she writes feels like it's written for me.
My absolute, favorite quote {thus far... } is the following:
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." ~ Brené Brown
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Today, for the first time in what felt like days, the sun shone brightly. The kids and I had errands to run... the craft store, the yarn store... the post office {until we got there and of course found it to be closed... } The kids were so patient all morning, so we sprung for a trip to one of our towns playgrounds on the way home. It was quick, as the wind whipped through our warm coats and hats, but it was a much needed adventure.
As I said in a post last week, these kids are my cinnamon and sugar. I can't get enough of them... their light...
Their light, without question, helps me find mine.
