Today is Day 13 of Creativity Boot CampThe prompt: Smile
**Today is the last day of CBC! What an incredible experience, thank you Maegan for putting this program together, for helping us breath in and out artistic creativity, and for allowing us to expand in many different directions. I can't thank you enough!
**And thank you to all who followed along on this journey, and to those who participated :) It's been wonderful! We're heading out for the weekend, and (like Maegan said) a much needed break from the computer! Happy weekend all, and Happy Father's Day!
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Last night I made my way through the isles of Babies R Us. Not a place I frequent these days, as our days of needing pacifiers and itsy bitsy wash cloths are at an end. And while we use cloth diapers almost exclusively, there are occasions where it's simply easier to go with disposable. We're coming up on a weekend away, and a few daytrips where I'm going to be easy on myself. But my minimal supply of trashable bum covers has been depleted. So off I went.
Upon entering the baby megastore, I could smell familiarity. Memories of window shopping while nauseous with five weeks of pregnancy. Nervously fingering the items, wondering if I was really staring at my reality. Bottles and wipes and baby wash and breast pumps. For the duration of my pregnancy with Fynn I would spend many a lunch break daydreaming and trying to mentally prepare. All the STUFF!
Of course we didn't need most of it. Not even the crib or the bottles... thank you co-sleeping and nursing... But I didn't know that on those lunch breaks. The store to me was filled with possibilities, dreams of holding my little one. I'd search for eyes that wanted to know how many weeks I was, what was I registering for, if we knew what we were having.
And last night I tried to hurry through the store, but I couldn't. The strollers caught my eye, the high chairs. The endless rows of everything that said B A B Y.
I tried to smile, but pangs held my mouth tight, my eyes getting a little wet.
We're done having children. We decided over a year ago, and for a while I didn't look back. But then I got sober, and realized how and why I made my end of the decision. From a place that wanted to be able to spend nights with a bottle all my own, not worrying if I had had too much to drink before nursing a little one. I wanted the freedom that came with reds and white and a twist.
So I've been struggling with our decision. Feeling like it was made hastily, and that I could do it better, given another chance. I could handle more, be a better mommy, nurse as long as the baby would want to and not try to stop early because of selfish reasons {that's another post entirely... }
But I won't have that chance. We're done. Adoption is always an option, but my womb has done it's job. Carried two beautiful souls. Two that I have to believe were mothered well in the early days. In my heart I know I was a good mother to them, always - even if it was a little blurry at times.
And that is enough.
I choked back a few tears last night, making my way to the register. The check out lady offered a discount card for the store, and I replied that my days shopping there were limited, that our baby days were over.
And I smiled. A slow, accepting smile.
I walked out of the store with that warm feeling of memories, instead of longing. A full smile, and newly dried eyes.