The past few weeks have been hard. I'm not sure why. A mix of hormones, summer colds, crazy kids, loose schedules. One thing feeds into another, and we ended up with endless days of tantrums and time outs.
But so far, this week has been better. It might have to do with the fact that Lucas took the kids out on Saturday and I slept until - get this - 11am. Seriously. I haven't done that for... years. It was incredible, and though the extra sleep left me groggy for the rest of the day, I felt like I had finally caught up. Because trouble sleeping is something I have in common with my kids. It just doesn't come easily to me.
And the lighter mood might have something to do with a week that is pretty open, plan wise. The kids and I are creating a schedule that works for us, filled with mornings at the park {for just a bit, because it's so stinking hot out!!} and crafts in the afternoon. And you know what? I like crafts. I had forgotten.
But ultimately, I think it might have something to do with the fact that I read The Awakening, by Kate Chopin, in two sittings. Finally. I believe it was Lindsey who recently quoted it {although I could be wrong... }, and it jogged my memory that I had a copy stashed somewhere in my boxes of books. So last week I went looking for it, and found it.
I've had the book for a long time. Ten years actually. It was given to me by an ex boyfriend on my eighteenth birthday, along with an IOU for tickets to see The Nutcracker. Now, normally I don't talk much about ex boyfriends, especially on the blog, but I think this is important.
This man, who will remain nameless for his sake, {though anyone who knew me then will know exactly who I'm talking about, and will think of him with fondness because he was such a genuine, kind soul} was not only my boyfriend, but was a friend for quite a while before becoming "official". We knew each other very well; it was before my drinking started, before sex, before ulterior motives. At that time, we were passionate about being in love and being creative souls. In short - our relationship was based on an innocent, protected love and we nurtured each others creative souls. He was a year ahead of me, and had already finished his freshman year at MIT, studying aero astro physics with a concentration on either writing or literature or something like that. He was that rare combination of a brilliant scientist who dabbled in beautiful poetry.
And I broke his heart into smithereens the week after I started college. It was awful. We remained friends, though at the time he gave me the book I think we both thought we'd end up together again at one point. That never happened. We tried to reconnect, but I was in the midst of a downward spiral... and it was crazy. Simple as that. At one point he said some harsh things to me, which I needed to hear - that he was honest enough to say - but I brushed them off and that was that. We haven't spoken since.
In any case... . I finally picked up The Awakening. And in it I found the IOU for ballet tickets. And notes. In scratchy pencil marks. I can't remember if he read the book for a class in college or high school, and I don't know if he wrote the notes for himself or for me. But they were an added gift.
And I need to make this clear. This is not me pining over an ex. Not at all. But I think it's important to recognize the things that make us who we are, and that relationship was important to me. We were honestly in love. And while that love doesn't compare to the love I have for my husband, it existed back in the day.
I devoured the book, as I said, in two sittings. I took in every word. And it wasn't the adultery or the tragic ending that had me wanting more from the book, it was the idea of having those epiphanies. And you all know how much I adore and love the ocean, how the beach plays such an important role in my life. And this woman, Edna, became so self aware, so in tune with herself and her place in the world... by the sea.
"The voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clearing, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in the abysses of solitude; to lose itself in mazes of inward contemplation. The voice of the sea speaks to the soul. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace." ~Kate Chopin, The Awakening
Some have said that the book is about a selfish woman, a woman of wealth who threw away her life and ruined her marriage and children. Some say the book hurt the feminist movement more than it helped. Some say Chopin's writing is lacking sophistication and reads like a romance novel.
I say The Awakening is a moving story of a woman finding out that she matters. That her worth is more than being a mother and a wife and a good woman. That she can contribute to the world in non traditional ways, especially creatively. With art. With passion.
I find it strange combination of fascinating and odd that while reading this particular book I am the same age as Edna as the novella begins. With two kids, an adoring husband {though I know for a fact that our marriage is not one of convenience... we have the passion and love and ... dare I say... lust that Edna searched for in others because it didn't exist with her husband}, and spending summers by the sea.
Truthfully, it all boggles my mind. And the notes in the margins make my head spin. Because he knew. Somehow, he knew. That even though I was spiraling, I was still there. And I always have been. Bits emerge from within, more and more every day, and it inspires me and brings me to tears. I've been here all along.
**This post makes me nervous. It's one that pushes boundaries for me. I hesitated to publish it, and had Lucas read it first... to make sure it didn't seem disrespectful to our marriage or anything like that, talking about past relationships. But of course, he amazes me with his openness and how he supports me and my writing. It's interesting though, what makes each of us nervous in blogging. Christine recently posted about boundaries and blogging, and it's been on my mind ever sense. Definitely check out her post!
**I'll say it again - Bigger Picture Moments. Here. Thursday. Write. Post. Link up. Enjoy.