Today, I'm six months sober.
Six months. SIX months! That's a heck of a lot of days to consciously make the decision not to drink alcohol.
And I haven't been talking about it much, this not drinking thing. I think partly because when I do I feel like I sound sort of like a broken record. Same thing, different post. Or if it's something new, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet because something new has been unearthed about why I drank, why I crave it, what I'm trying to fix by self medicating.
Yes, I'm proud of myself.
But I know it's still early in this sobriety journey. And I also don't want to come out and say I've found THE way to quit drinking. I don't want to sound superior or like I know what I'm doing.
Because I don't.
This is just me, somehow making it through the days, one at a time, without drinking.
And six months? That's a lot of days. Just saying.
I'm happy to answer questions, and I will, given the chance, talk about sobriety at length. But I'm finding this space to be more of a way for me to stay positive. To work on myself in ways that don't necessarily mean focusing on the not drinking. And it comes up, but I don't want to force myself to talk about my sobriety.
Am I making sense? I feel like I'm not. I'm in a weird place, thinking about all of this. All of the last six months. The time before that. Six months and a day ago was pretty crazy. And mentally, I'm much more stable. Honest. Present.
Maybe it's that I don't want to focus on the not drinking all the time. It's always there. And every single day I make that choice not to stop and pick up a bottle of wine. And the more I hear about those who drank secretively, the more I realize how easy it would be to drink. And how much is at stake. It's partly the disease talking, and thinking, and my mind sometimes gets wrapped in it, and has a hard time pulling out. But then I look at my kids, and the joys in my life, and there's too much at stake.
And that's why I haven't brought up the drinking much around here. Because I'm focusing on things other than the bottle. And it's working for me. In the back of my head I make that choice for the day, and the rest of the day I try to see the good that has come from not drinking.
How's that for a ramble on sobriety for you?
It's a process. And every day I look at this not drinking thing differently than the previous day. Although I still can't look too far into the future {but get this, I told Lucas I wanted to go to France for our 10th wedding anniversary - in five years - and I wasn't even sad about the possibility of not drinking in France! For me, that's a huge step, as about five months ago I wrote off traveling to Europe because of the drinking... } because thinking about being consciously aware of my drinking - or lack there of - every single day is daunting. But it will happen. And because of that I'll stay sober.
I hope.
So six months. Yes, that's an awful lot of days.
A lot of good days.
And now, I'm off to hug and kiss my babies and make a little celebration. Maybe we'll make paper hats sing silly songs and get out the glitter and glue and live it up :) Today, I'm six months sober. Who would have thought?