Last night I ran away from home.
Fynn, the day, it all took so much out of me. After dinner I shut myself in the bedroom. I felt awful. Stuck inside my head, making my world seem harder than reality. Making my home seem undesirable. My life seem undesirable.
Eventually I tried to go to sleep, but it didn't work. Instead went out to make some tea. Then ran back into the bedroom and shouted to a {probably sound asleep... } husband that this wasn't working.
And that I hated tea {which I don't... I just hate that it isn't wine... }
I even went as far as to shout that I didn't want to be there, didn't know how to make it work. Didn't know how to make me work.
And then I ran away. I put my sneakers on, found my coat and ran out the door. Got in the car and drove.
I drove one of my nap time drives {a route that both cars know by heart from all the car naps my kids have taken over the years} and got mad at myself that even when I wanted to go someplace different, away from everything, I still took the same familiar route.
Halfway through I felt sick to my stomach. I pulled over and vomited.
Emotions rushing, thoughts pounding, expectations and wants felt unmet and unattainable.
And then I felt it. The pull of home. The need to be where my husband could wrap his arms around me and even if he didn't understand why I was a basket case, where he tells me it will be okay.
And it will.
We might not be in the perfect space, my children might not be perfect every day, my life might not be perfect. But where we live is home, these children {as crazy and wild as they can be} are mine, and my life is good.
So I went home. Washed my face and got into bed where my husband and baby girl were waiting for me. Arms open, flannel sheets warm, a monitor humming softly - signifying a sleeping three year old. Our home, our life. It's not wrapped in a pretty pink bow, but the edges are soft, and the love palpable.
Home, in the form of a loving husband and two beautiful children, creates a pull. Stronger than a self induced midnight crazy. Sometimes you need to test the pull, test it's strength, to make sure exists.
It does.